What got me started writing again.

I used to write really long emails to people, mostly (past) boyfriends.  Silly, I know, but I'd put a lot of thought into them and they were a useful way to make my thoughts make sense to someone else, which then made them make sense to me. Now I have someone in my life that already knows all the stuff I'm working out in my head, often weeks before me.  So instead, I'm writing the internet, which I still imagine as a large slack-jawed, distended-bellied (pinkish red, if you're wondering) muppet-like creature that eats up everybody's sputum* and regurgitates it.  I keep on hoping it will pop out this sweater or this photographer to follow me around and make me look this poreless and nice and mysterious too. 
That leads into my question that got me writing words that were not in texts, or emails to my parents to say I'm-okay-and-did-you-get-the-birthday-flowers, which has been buzzing around my skull for a while now.  Well, its more than one question, mostly about friendship and how to form platonic relationships that inspire you and make you want to get off your bum and get out there. It's been on my mind a lot since I've moved, and today I realized I should really start working on this mess of ideas and what I perceive to be my issues and faults in this whole social interaction thing.   
I don't really know how to frame this inquiry without some background: My boyfriend and I moved out here together, and he is truly great, and makes me want to be a better person.  The problem isn't my romantic life, it's the trainwreck friendships I choose to pursue that are driving me nuts.  I know it's a bad pattern, but I am attracted to the ease of the overly-emotional, often substance-abusing sort of friend- it's something that I know is a response to my job (what am I doing bartending with a degree from a good school/I should get a "real" job and start getting job experience/oof the economy**), my lack of artistic outlet (which can be attributed to my inertia and work schedule), and just plain not knowing what I would like to do with my time/life.  And, although I am just starting to realize it, it's also easy to keep some distance and not invest too much when you know that you're one night of your-friend-on-a-coke-binge-screaming-in-your-window-at-5AM-to-come-hang-out-while-your-patient-sober-boyfriend-tries-to-get-her-to-be-quiet-for-the-third-time-this-month away from being able to drop that friendship like a hot potato and vow to never be in such a manic, destructive relationship again. I give up on the friendship when I realize it's draining and unhealthy, a fight ensues or is instigated by either party, and I move on.  I feel like I've been really hard on myself about these friendships and probably even more hard on the other person for breaking down, or acting crazy, or cheating on their boyfriend or doing some other act that I use as a justification for breaking ties.  There is no justification, and what I am doing in the act of friendship and "de-friending" is just as unhealthy as their manic behavior, or peeing on the couch or hitting on my dad.  It's cold and misleading on my part to expect someone that I have a hard time even liking as a person to be a part of my life. I've never done this on purpose, and it's taken me years to realize it's a continual pattern in my life. 

It's a completely different thing to actually break this pattern, get my ass out there and meet some people that love the same things I do, and people that can introduce me to things that get me excited and challenged.  It's scary opening up to people and letting them see you all nerded out (my weaknesses are old-school printmaking, fashion blogs, reading tons of books) and actually not being intimidated and overwhelmed with the number and variety of interesting, intelligent, and totally motivated and confident people in this city.  I've been coasting too long (years!) with friends that are only interested in a good time that involves unhealthy and unproductive behavior, and not really putting myself out there in the way I have for (romantic) love.  This closed off attitude is obviously affecting my ability to pursue, or even pinpoint, my passions and what I need to do to take advantage of my education and amazing opportunities.  And I hear over and over again, "it's not what you know, but who you know." This statement no longer seems like a status climber's mantra, but instead a challenge to go out and meet people that I admire and are positive influences, and truly TRULY enjoy their company. 

Sure, I can be all cynical but I think it's time to drop it and really get my life going in the direction I want it to.  Inertia, boredom, the recession, apathy, unhealthy friendships- those are all pretty pitiful excuses to not be doing cool shit. 

* yes I know what sputum actually is.  But in this case I would like it to be n. - that which is spewed.  And then I would like to take a moment to think about wayne's world.

** I think seven years in Minnesota may have been enough....