Pros:
-All of the museums= days and days of entertainment and learning and bettering myself. Please ignore the fact that I have gone to more museums when visiting than the entire 6 months spent actually living here, I'm fixing that tomorrow with my first visit to the Met. Alexander McQueen for me, Guitar Heroes to convince my boyfriend that he want to ride the train all the way uptown.
-Cute apartment
-No need to drive anywhere
-Highly amusing and fun interactions with complete strangers
-There is everything and anything you might want to do or see or experience available a short (-ish) train ride away
-Amazing people. They must be somewhere hiding in this city, right?
-The Strand
-Getting perfume custom blended for $10
-Us waking up on a lovely day and walking around Central Park- and holding his hand weird just to freak him out.
-Bagels, and pizza. And being able to find a restaurantthatcansatiateanycraving. My next goal is to find my new favorite Korean spot.
-Watching TV and movies and knowing exactly where they were shooting.
-Knowing that if we can make it here, we can make it anywhere.
Cons:
-No money. Well, actually, more money, but way less buying power. And another day in the service industry on the UES is going to drive me fucking insane.
-All of the amazing fashion and design and stores selling things you never knew you absolutely needed until that very moment.
-Tiny apartment
-Smelling like the Bedford-Nostrand subway stop everyday (don't try to tell me otherwise)
-Extremely terrifying and enraging interactions with complete strangers. Like the naked racist. And of course, thank you purse-snatchers, I will never again doubt your skills.
-Work, work, work. Hate my work, cut down on my schedule. Immediately go broke. Work.
-No real grocery stores. At least not in my neighborhood- the ones with clean, unobstructed aisles, fresh beautiful produce and everything on my list. No I do not want to go two subway stops for sriracha. I live on the G for christssake.
-The G
-Catcallers- Someday I will think of something clever and scathing and shut you up for good. Until then, I will have to settle for coming up with a retort five minutes later for comments like "you're pretty, you should smile" and "I'd like to cum all over those glasses"
These potatoes are evil and delicious.
Evil because
1. I like baby potatoes
2. I like smashing things with a potato masher
3. Why didn't I think of this simple, genius idea years ago.
I used to write really long emails to people, mostly (past) boyfriends. Silly, I know, but I'd put a lot of thought into them and they were a useful way to make my thoughts make sense to someone else, which then made them make sense to me. Now I have someone in my life that already knows all the stuff I'm working out in my head, often weeks before me. So instead, I'm writing the internet, which I still imagine as a large slack-jawed, distended-bellied (pinkish red, if you're wondering) muppet-like creature that eats up everybody's sputum* and regurgitates it. I keep on hoping it will pop out this sweater or this photographer to follow me around and make me look this poreless and nice and mysterious too.
That leads into my question that got me writing words that were not in texts, or emails to my parents to say I'm-okay-and-did-you-get-the-birthday-flowers, which has been buzzing around my skull for a while now. Well, its more than one question, mostly about friendship and how to form platonic relationships that inspire you and make you want to get off your bum and get out there. It's been on my mind a lot since I've moved, and today I realized I should really start working on this mess of ideas and what I perceive to be my issues and faults in this whole social interaction thing.
I don't really know how to frame this inquiry without some background: My boyfriend and I moved out here together, and he is truly great, and makes me want to be a better person. The problem isn't my romantic life, it's the trainwreck friendships I choose to pursue that are driving me nuts. I know it's a bad pattern, but I am attracted to the ease of the overly-emotional, often substance-abusing sort of friend- it's something that I know is a response to my job (what am I doing bartending with a degree from a good school/I should get a "real" job and start getting job experience/oof the economy**), my lack of artistic outlet (which can be attributed to my inertia and work schedule), and just plain not knowing what I would like to do with my time/life. And, although I am just starting to realize it, it's also easy to keep some distance and not invest too much when you know that you're one night of your-friend-on-a-coke-binge-screaming-in-your-window-at-5AM-to-come-hang-out-while-your-patient-sober-boyfriend-tries-to-get-her-to-be-quiet-for-the-third-time-this-month away from being able to drop that friendship like a hot potato and vow to never be in such a manic, destructive relationship again. I give up on the friendship when I realize it's draining and unhealthy, a fight ensues or is instigated by either party, and I move on. I feel like I've been really hard on myself about these friendships and probably even more hard on the other person for breaking down, or acting crazy, or cheating on their boyfriend or doing some other act that I use as a justification for breaking ties. There is no justification, and what I am doing in the act of friendship and "de-friending" is just as unhealthy as their manic behavior, or peeing on the couch or hitting on my dad. It's cold and misleading on my part to expect someone that I have a hard time even liking as a person to be a part of my life. I've never done this on purpose, and it's taken me years to realize it's a continual pattern in my life.
It's a completely different thing to actually break this pattern, get my ass out there and meet some people that love the same things I do, and people that can introduce me to things that get me excited and challenged. It's scary opening up to people and letting them see you all nerded out (my weaknesses are old-school printmaking, fashion blogs, reading tons of books) and actually not being intimidated and overwhelmed with the number and variety of interesting, intelligent, and totally motivated and confident people in this city. I've been coasting too long (years!) with friends that are only interested in a good time that involves unhealthy and unproductive behavior, and not really putting myself out there in the way I have for (romantic) love. This closed off attitude is obviously affecting my ability to pursue, or even pinpoint, my passions and what I need to do to take advantage of my education and amazing opportunities. And I hear over and over again, "it's not what you know, but who you know." This statement no longer seems like a status climber's mantra, but instead a challenge to go out and meet people that I admire and are positive influences, and truly TRULY enjoy their company.
Sure, I can be all cynical but I think it's time to drop it and really get my life going in the direction I want it to. Inertia, boredom, the recession, apathy, unhealthy friendships- those are all pretty pitiful excuses to not be doing cool shit.
* yes I know what sputum actually is. But in this case I would like it to be n. - that which is spewed. And then I would like to take a moment to think about wayne's world.
** I think seven years in Minnesota may have been enough....
Sometimes it will be self-indulgent, because is that a huge aspect of blogging and bloggers and blogs. Often it will be trivial, like good food, and clothes I like, and funny videos of puppies. And on occasion I might actually stumble on a question or train of thought or idea that actually makes sense. Or maybe I'm just saying that to the empty room, so I feel obligated to put something out there, like I'd like to (anonymously) admit to just placing an order from Land's End. Even though one of my favorite real blogs just discovered it too!
- A Cup of Jo: Land's End Canvas
Also, New York is weird. Well, specifically Brooklyn----- okay Bed-Stuy. This very elegant woman at my local coffee shop looked me up and down and I was convinced she was staring at my failed first use of goody spin pins or the fact that I had gotten my jeans hemmed with the cuff last fall and they had botched it and I had promised (sworn!) to myself that these were jeans that I only would ever wear with boots, and then after a minute I decided that she was probably just creeped out by me dissecting her outfit for later reference, so I played spacey and nonchalant and thought I was in the clear. And then she looked me directly in the eye and asked me "Would you ever buy shoes from Payless?" I haven't ever, but I would if they were cute and cheap was my answer, mostly because I get caught off guard very easily. Lame, I know, but we had a silly little conversation about no one ever knowing. And then I replayed the conversation in my head, maybe three times too many. And now I'm wondering, how is buying Payless shoes something that I even worry about? Right now I'm mostly worried about going to the NYC DMV for the first time, and hoping that the insurance claim for my purse and almost everything valuable I own actually goes through, why I can't stand 95% of the people I allow to pass as friends in my life (hopefully not nearly as whiny as it sounds- up next!), how to not fuck up an amazing relationship with the love of my life while figuring out my life, and what should have been on the top of my list oh, about three years ago, figuring out my life. Also, how to make use of my education in some way. And yes, that means hopefully doing something beside bartending sometime soon.
